Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
