It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
