Pappa wants mamma naked
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I smell like Dick and happiness
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
