i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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