Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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