It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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