Soap is not a condiment
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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