Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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