after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
