i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
