i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
...so i touched it.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize