Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
