Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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