Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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