i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
