I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
