Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
