i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
