I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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