I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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