I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
