my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
