dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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