sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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