She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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