i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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