Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
