omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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