I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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