And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize