I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
