my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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