i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
