my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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