you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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