Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
