So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
