you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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