this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
