Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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