I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
