She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
