The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
