I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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