My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
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