What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
