You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
