I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
