hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
