dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
you will always have a special place in my vag
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
