I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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