you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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