Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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