Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Can Purell be used as lube?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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