Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
True college students do jello shots in the library
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
