If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize