There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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