that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
