Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
