Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
