the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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