I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
