i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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